Look. Listen. Let's keep this short. Ah! Just like SARS, Y2K, or sailing off the edge of a flat world, we are in the grips of yet another crisis. But! Fear not. This time your intrepid correspondent has nailed down a failsafe cure. Yes! I am the purveyor of salvation from the insidious pig disease. Come one, come all to the altar of healing. To wit, from the Cassell Dictionary of Superstitions by David Pickering:
Modern medicine still has trouble dealing with flu epidemics and in former times the imaginations of the superstitious were taxed to the full in trying to find cures for what was all too often a fatal complaint. Here are some of 100%, fool proof, iron clad cures, I am certain:
1) Wrapping the patient in warm and still bloody animal skins
2) Placing a hot brick soaked in vinegar and rubbed with garlic on the patient's
chest
Ingesting one or more of the following (more is better):
3) Egg yolks spiced up with a few live lice
4) The urine of a seven-year-old girl or a little soot
5) A few fat slugs and dog faeces, which could if desired be made more palatable by
combining them with oysters dissolved in milk and wine.
Yes! Superstition rears its beautiful head. May you live in interesting times. Remember. Death is at your door and it is snorting like a pig with a runny nose. No amount of hand sanitizer can save you now. So. Bring on the blood soaked skins and dog shit--children, pregnant women and professional athletes first, of course.
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1 comment:
Well that put my fractured ribs back into place. Again.
And i know i'm not 7 years old, but since i'm pretty sure i'm immune to the H1N1, you could try drinking my pee. I have lots of it.
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